oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
