Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
