sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
