My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
