look no pants
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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