You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
