Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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