I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
