My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
