I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
