Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
