Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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