I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
