I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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