All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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