Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
