So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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