Plan B is the new Plan A
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
