Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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