I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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