somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm really busy with my period
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