I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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