Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
