So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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