he shaved USA in his pubs
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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