I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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