that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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