You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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