Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
