I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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