I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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