Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
