I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
