I have demons in me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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