Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
