I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
