i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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