i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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