In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
