yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
