Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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