My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
