I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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