is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
