Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
