When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
