Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
