I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
