Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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