You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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